ThE rEaL hArRy poTTeR
by Claire Bear
Summary: Follow an ex-Hogwartzer as he interviews newold Harry Potter characters...features Friendless!Oliver, Powerpuff-girl!Draco Flaming-Haired!Ginny, Xena!Hermione plus MANY MORE...written with co-author PriNcEsS-oF-D-c
1. Powerpuff Power

The Real Harry Potter  
  
Disclaimer: Hey guys, dis is an original idea, you gotta look at it wit a sense of humour. For all you die hard fans with a sense of humour you'll luv it.  
  
Prologue -  
  
*******  
  
"Hi. My names Zach and this is my documentry on the famous Harry Potter. You see, I used to go to Hogwarts but did anybody notice me? Nooooooooo. So I decided to let you people know what the real Harry Potter was like.  
  
I'll also be telling ya the truth about most of his so-called friends and I'll even let you in to a few previously unknown Hogwarts secrets.  
  
*******  
  
Chapter One -  
  
"Alright, where should I begin? Lets try da beginning." **Holds two fingers to ear, as if recieving a message from headquarters**  
  
"I'm recieving a message from headquarters, I've just been told, we can have an interview with the old guy himself...Dumbledore. And off we go, follow me down the corridor, dont get lost."  
  
Dumbloredore: "Huh-whos there?"  
  
"I've schedualed an appointment with your secretary. My names Zach."  
  
D: What secretary?!  
  
Z: I have a few questions for you. Is it true that you've met Harry Potter? And if so, how was he?  
  
D: What is your first question? Sorry my boy, hearing getting bad at old age.  
  
Z: Thats because your beard is stuck in there.  
  
We dont seem to be getting anywhere with Dumbledore, so I better go back to my old common room in the Slytherin tower. I think it's now safe to tell you the Slytherin's password, cupcake.  
  
As we enter, I must ask you to be quiet, Snape needs his beauty sleep, he really needs it. Now come on crew, we'll tiptoe up to the boys dormitory, where the most evil of boys sleep. P.S Draco snores.  
  
We're creeping up now **Thump**. Ohh no you fat photographer, you tripped over one of Dracos powerpuff dolls.  
  
We hear Snape, girlishly scream from his room.  
  
"Who interuppted my beauty sleep?!" He squeeled. There was Snape at the base of the stairs. His face covered in coconut balm and cucumber slices falling off his eyes.  
  
At that moment, something stirred at the top of the stairs.  
  
"My powerpuff doll!" Draco screamed.  
"Bubbles, are you okay?!"  
  
Draco crept down the stairs, picked up his doll, gave it a big hug and threw it at me.  
  
"Fly Bubbles, get him!!"  
  
I stood there puzzled as Bubbles landed at my feet. I starred at it, one eyebrow raised. In the corner of my eye, I saw Draco turn.  
  
"Don't worry Bubbles, I'll get the others," Draco says as he runs away.  
  
Snape: I'd just like to say, that no-one else in my house runs like a girl and sleeps with a broomstick behind his legs.  
  
Just as we thought it couldn't get any weirder, Draco is back at the top of the stairs, with the two remaining powerpuff dolls.  
  
"Shush Blossom," he whispers to himself.  
"Wait til your in battle to say rude things. Fly my preciouses,"  
  
With a big throw, he hurls Buttercup and Blossom through the air for about a metre where they start bouncing until they reach our feet.  
  
"We have you surrounded!" Draco yells angrily.  
  
I look at my toes, to see Buttercup and Blossom lying on the floor.  
I step backwards and heard a squeak.  
  
"Bbbbbbuuuuuubbbbbbbbbbbblllllllllleeeeeeeeessssssssss!!!!!!!!" Draco yells as he falls to the floor. "My one true love."  
  
This is getting just a little bit to weird, even for a senior such as myself I say as Snape runs past me ups the stairs to comfort Draco.  
  
"I'm telling my daddy on you," Draco snarls as we leave the room.  
  
Keeping our heads down, as not to make eye contact with any other freaks in here, we run out of the common room.  
  
As we leave the common room and enter the main entrance I try to reframe from laughing as I pull out a parchment with the names of our future interviews. I tick off three names...Dumbledore, Draco and Snape.  
  
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A/N: Please remember that this is all just for fun. If you liked it please review I'd love to hear from you, if you didn't enjoy it don't. It just makes me feel bad! Many more funny interviews to come, and more secrets to be told. Picutre links coming soon. 


	2. Invisible Billy

Chapter Two -  
  
Okay now that was pretty strange but lets move on shall we? Follow me boys, I know where the Ravenclaw entrance is.  
  
**Thump Thump**  
  
What was that? It came from over there in that closet. We all creep up slowly following the sounds of banging. Then we heard muffled voices.  
  
I slowly opened the door and to my horror spotted Dumbledore in blue boxers with white stars and a white singlet.  
  
As if that wasn't bad enough, I saw Professor McGonagall in his arms in a pink satin nightie.  
  
"Ewww eww ewwww ewww eww ew ewww!!" I screamed.  
  
"Zach! What are you doing here?! Turn that camera off," McGonagall begged.  
  
Dumbledore seemed confused and dazed asking what all these bright lights were and looked shocked to realise McGonagall wasn't wearing shoes.  
  
"McGonagall your not wearing shoes!"  
  
Answers McGonagall, "What does that matter? Your not wearing pants."  
"I thought it was a bit chilly in here," Dumbledore replies.  
  
"This interview is over! I'll meet you in my office later on tonight!" McGonagall ordered.  
  
I wouldn't quite count that as an interview so I'm not gonna tick her off yet. Just then I spotted Oliver Wood, the beloved quidditch captain.  
  
"Oh Oliver!" I shouted. "Do you have a second? I'd like a word."  
  
"No cant talk, never can talk, no time for talking, I've got quidditch practice."  
  
"God your a loser Oliver, can't you give it a break already, you need a woman!" I suggest.  
  
"What are you doing up so early anyway Oliver?" I ask.  
  
"I have quidditch practice, always quidditch practice, love quidditch practice!"  
  
"Are you aware, your the only one here?" I point out.  
  
"No I'm not! Look at all my friends! Come here Billy, don't be shy. Billys a new part of my team. Your gonna win us the cup aren't you Billy...Billy? Biiilllly? Answer me Billy!"  
  
"You know Billy's not a real boy." I say trying not to hurt Olivers feelings.  
  
"Yes he is, here Billy sit on my shoulders. Oh, you've put on weight Billy. Good boy we'll squash the opponent."  
  
Just then, Oliver notices one of the Hufflepuff girls skipping down the entrance stairs, singing to herself.  
  
"I'm yellow da ba dee, da ba die, da ba dee, da ba die!" She sings.  
  
Oliver then runs up to her, urging his invisible friends along.  
  
"Come on guys, she can be a new player for us! Hi little girl, would you like to play with my broomstick? So anyway would you like me to ride you? I mean you ride it? Shut-up Billy! Its not funny!" he whispers to himself.  
  
Just then, Hogwarts phyciatrist comes out with a white straight-jacket.  
  
"Billy run!! Take the others!!" he screams as the man puts the coat on him.  
"Nooooooooo!!!!!!"  
  
As this was happening out comes Draco with two powerpuff girl dolls held above his head.  
  
"I have saved Townsville from Mojo jojo." He says shaking one of the dolls about.  
"You always take all of the glory Buttercup...No I don't" He says changing his voice slighty.  
  
Then he starts bashing the two Powerpuff girls together.  
  
The phyciatrist looks over and raises one eyebrow.  
  
"I'll be back for you later," he says to Draco shaking his head.  
  
I know this may sound strange to you guys but this is a regular thing for hogwarts.  
"Let me see" I say to myself, pulling out the parchment, "Thats Oliver Wood."  
  
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	3. Warrior Princess

Chapter Three -  
  
As Draco was being taken away, crying because he had dropped one of his powerpuff girls. We heard the loud beating of drums and chanting coming from upstairs.  
  
We followed the sounds, to the Gryffindor common room entrance. "Harry smoked Pot and the Philosopher got stoned" we whispered to the lady in the portrait.  
  
We continued to follow the drums up to the girls dormitory, where we saw a message written in what looked like blood, but smelt like rasberry jam. It read: Go Away! I busy now! No-body here!  
  
We ignored this harsh warning and entered the dark room lit by a huge bomb fire in the middle of the room.  
  
"Hissss ahhhh," We heard. We saw a young girl covered in body paint of green and blue.  
  
It wasn't until I got closer that I realised it was Hermione Granger.  
  
"Ggggggggrrruuugggggggghhhhh!" she spitted. "I am the tribal women of the bush, XENA! Warrior Witch!"  
  
"Why are you wearing your underwear on your head?" I asked.  
  
"Shh!! Dont you hear them?! I knew it!! Oliver has sent his invisible friends to destroy me, quick!! Put on these sacred parchments, they will protect you!!" she ordered.  
  
"Uhh Hermione, this is just toilet paper with your name written on it." I informed.  
  
"Never speak ill of the parchment! It tells future." she said jumping up and down.  
  
"Umm thats well and good Hermione, but you shouldn't have used it before hand." I said holing it away from my face.  
  
"Noo!!! The evil spirits have gotten to it!" she screams snatching it from my hands and throwing it to the fire, where small ghost like creatures escaped through the window.  
  
Hermione then turned from us and continued to dance around the fire. In this state, I didn't want to tell her, her pants where on fire.  
  
She continued over to her bed where she picked up another spellbook and threw it to the fire.  
  
"Goodbye Transfiguration...Goodbye History of Magic... Goodbye Hermiones Diary... Noooo!!!! Not the diary!" she screams in anguish.  
  
She thens sits down which is lucky seeing the fire was about to burn through her underwear, with black smoke bellowing from her bottom she gets up again turns to us and hollers like her hero Xena:  
"Oooooeeellllaaaoeeeeooooollllaaaaaoooooo!"  
  
She starts running around the room, jumping from bed to bed, pretending to grab vines like Tarzan, but she forgot one of the beds had moved. She fell to the floor.  
  
She looks over and smiles.  
  
"Wow, so thats where I put my dirty magazines. Hello Ralph, we meet again..." she snickers with a grin.  
  
"Are you alright?" I ask.  
  
"Don touch me! An injured warrior cant be helped! I'm done for, go on without me!"  
  
"Uhhh go where exactly?"  
  
"I dont care! I can look after myself," she says moving her legs until shes running in circles sideways.  
  
Getting bored with her running in circles for ten minutes I pick her up.  
Just then the door opened.  
  
"Ahhh!! Hisssss!!" Hermione screamed again,  
"The light! It is burning me! I'm melting, I'm melting."  
  
I looked over to see Ginny Wealsey standing at the door.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Get down on the floor! Your hair is on fire!" Hermione scrabbles to her feet and starts bashing Ginnys head with a towel.  
  
Ginny runs over to a mirror.  
"OMG your right!" She squeals hitting her head with two hands, making strange noises.  
  
Ginny turn on the tap and starts throwing water on her face and head but her hair continues to be red. She keeps throwing water until she put out Hermiones bombfire.  
  
"Nooo!! The sacred fire!" Hermione yells.  
  
"Your waters broken! This waters no good! No no this will never do! I know the lake! Ahhhhh!!!" Ginny screams running from the room, a piece of Hermiones 'sacred parchment' stuck under her shoe.  
  
I look out the window to see her running wildly in her underwear with her shirt over her head and screaming as she jumps into the water.  
  
I shake my head and pull out my own 'sacred parchment' and tick off the names Hermione and Ginny.  
  
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	4. Wannabe Witch

Chapter Four -  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe it is now time to go in persuit of the famous mister Harry Potter.  
  
Seeing no-one around here seems to know of his where-abouts, we might aswell go back to his old house on Privet drive.  
  
Who knows we might be able to have an interview with the famous Dursleys. A quick train ride later, we arrived at Kingston Station and soon enough we where standing outside his old house.  
  
'Knock knock'  
  
No answer.  
  
'Knock knock'  
  
Still no answer.  
  
'Knock knock knock' (A/N: okay now I'm just taking up space)  
  
We stood listening for an answer when we heard a strange sort of cackling coming from the back corner of the house. We snuck around and luckily there was a ladder up against the window.  
  
Naturally I left my crew on the ground and went up nyself and what I saw was so unimaginable its hard to describe, but I'll try.  
  
I spotted Mrs. Dursley, A.K.A. Petunia, running around her bedroom in a black tablecloth and orange witchs-hat, which she probably found on the road before.  
  
She was galloping over the bed, with a vaccuum cleaner between her legs.  
  
"Wackeldy - Wiggeldy - Smuggully - Ditch. I am the worlds greatest witch. I am Lily Evans. Shut-up Petunia, your just a muggle. Watch me Petunia, I can levitate" she annouces proudly.  
  
With this she stands on the bed and then turns the vaccuum cleaner upside- down and sets it to reverse. A huge gush of dusty wind forces her black tablecloth upwards.  
  
"I'm flying! I'm flying!!"  
  
After a few minutes of standing there with air blowing up her gown she gets bored and turns it off.  
  
With that she snickers and crouches over to her dresser, where she mimes that shes taking out a large sheet.  
  
She wiggles her empty hands in front of her face, and shakes off the witches hat.  
  
"They'll never catch me in my invisibilty clock," she whispers in an evil voice.  
  
With that she throws off her black tablecloth and I am shocked to realise she is not wearing anything underneath it.  
  
She throws the 'invisible cloth' over herself and runs under the bed with a smile on her face.  
  
Okay this is getting a little bit weird.  
  
I turn and go back down the ladder but as I'm getting off, the ladder moves and falls from the window. I can hear rustling from Petunias room as she picks up her black cloak and sticks her head out the window, to see us jumping the fence of her backyard.  
  
"Noooooooooooo!!!" I can hear her scream.  
"Take me with you!!! For I am professor Petunia, queen of the maggle world!! Wait I know how to fly!"  
  
We turn to see her falling out of her window only held by her high-heeled shoe she was wearing.  
  
We continued to run, not stopping until we reached the train station. This might be a good time to tell you guys, there isn't really a platform 9 and 3/4's. Its just a wizard joke.  
  
So for all you idiots running into a brick wall on Kingston station, I reckon you should stop now. Even Harry and Ron were stupid enough to run into the wall when the spell wasn't cast.  
  
So follow me to the normal station.  
  
I am relieved when we get back to Hogwarts until I passed the quidditch field and spot Oliver Wood climbing halfway up the quidditch goals screaming.  
  
"Billy!!! Get down from there! I told you your head wont fit through that hoop!! Duck Billy...its a bludger!!" Oliver yells, as one of the younger member starts throwing rocks at him.  
  
"I know Billy...I'll get the Hufflepuff girl!"  
  
As I walk away, I notice Professor Sprout and Professor McGonagall poking Oliver with long sticks.  
  
In the Hogwarts castle, no-body seems to be out. I suppose there all just in class...sleeping or stoned, so I start having a leisurely conversation with a portrait, who apparently has been having trouble with hemoroids.  
  
Thats when for some strange reason I get my next idea for a proper interview.  
  
Ronald Weasley...Transfestite Extrodinare.  
  
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A/N: For pictures relating to this story visit  
  
www . angelfire . com/ space/ mybackgrounds/ zpotter . html  
  
(Take out the spaces, exept the word 'space')  
  
Thanks to all the nice reviewers who took a fricken second of their lives and make me continue the story...trust me guys the best is yet to come. 


	5. Draco's Scare

Chapter Five -  
  
I decided just for fun we'll go back and see how Draco's doing in the mental hospital. There we were faced with a quite comical scene.  
  
There was Draco, sitting in his little cell, bouncing his powerpuff girl dolls around in front of him. Only now, he was dressed as one of the powerpuff girls. Huddled in the corner, in a yellow dress, and his blonde hair all in small ponytails.  
  
Just then, he stands up and runs over to the cage door. He pretend to hold a phone to his face.  
  
"Okay Lord Mayor," Draco says in a high-pitched voice.  
"I will save you, from the terrible dragon lady."  
  
He hangs up the invisible phone and struts around, very girlishly. He then looks at the male phyciatrist, fluttering his eye-lids.  
  
"You must let me go! Townsville needs us!!" He picks up the powerpuff girl dolls and runs to the window.  
  
One by one, he throws them at the thick glass windows. He covers his hand over his mouth.  
  
"Ouch! Eeek! I hurt my nose! I hurt my forehead!" he thens immediately runs over to them and comforts them in his fake bossoms.  
  
"Mummys here, its okay" he whispers.  
  
Just then, the phyciatrist remembers its Draco's bathtime. He slowly opens the door, with a little net in his hand. Draco begins running around in circles screaming,  
  
"No girls! Its our mortal enemy, Dr. Soap!! No bubbles, I'm not teasing you, its not your fault your named after one of your mortal enemies. Roll girls," with this Draco drops to the floor and starts rolling around.  
  
He has attached a piece of wool to each of the girls, and tied it to his foot so the dolls are being pulled along with him. As they rolled past the phyciatrist, he got the net and caught the last doll.  
  
"Go blossom! Ice freeze him! Blossom whats wrong with you?! Use your power! Blossom? Answer me Blossom!" Draco runs over to his doll.  
  
"Ohh, you killed her!!!" Draco runs out the door, left open by the confused phyciatrist, who stood there holding a lifeless doll, with a tear in his eye.  
  
We chase after Draco, running wildly into posts and walls until finally he reaches the newly built fire ward. There he stops and spots Ginny Weasley, still crying that her hair was on fire and it was burning her.  
  
Draco again starts crying again.  
  
"Blossom could have put your hair out with her ice power,"  
  
As he says this, he looks at Ginny as if he'd just be struck by lightning. He runs out of the ward by we decided not to follow him as we were to puffed from chasing him through the corridors.  
  
A few minutes later, we look through the window into the surgery ward and see Dracos doll on the bed, with Draco knelt over her. He had placed the other dolls standing upright on the floor with surgical masks on.  
  
Mojo jo-jo was sitting in the waiting room.  
  
"Forty C-C's of electricy," we can hear Draco cry "Stat!"  
  
He charges up the 'machine' he had found, which to the plain eye was only two ping-pong bats and begins hitting Blossom's chest with it.  
  
"Live!" he cackles, "Live!! What will the others do without their leader?!"  
  
Just then he freezes and leans over to hear her chest.  
  
"Shes alive!! Thank god!"  
  
Suddenly, the surgery door bursts open and in flies Professor Snape in a purple dress and bright pink wig.  
  
"I came as soon as I heard! Is she okay?"  
  
Draco picks up the lifeless doll and pushes it against Snape's chest to give him a big hug.  
  
Snape hides the little handmade coffin he created in wood-shop class, with the pink glittered letters 'Blossom' spread across the lid.  
  
"I never doubted she would make it Draco,"  
  
"Then why did you dress up to replace her?!" Draco yelled at Snape.  
  
"I wasn't trying to replace her, this is my...uhh...evening gown"  
  
"Its morning!!" Draco yells, as they begin to bitch-slap each other.  
  
As all this was happening in came Oliver Wood screaming at the two of them.  
  
"Get off the bed! Billys lying there. Hes still recovering from head surgery!!"  
  
Thats when all the boys heard it...in slow motion all their head tilted upwards and scanned the door. They heard it, the click-clopping of red high- heeled shoes coming down the corridor.  
  
And they all knew it could only be one person, Ron Weasley.  
  
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A/N: I put this chap in cause I think you cause love the Powerpuff bit. If you guys have any suggestions for the next chapter I'd love to hear them, I'm running a bit low on ideas now...lol. But I wont stop! Until ya totally hate it! Check out  
  
www . angelfire . com /space /mybackgrounds /zpotter . html 


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